The WAM Foundation

Hello! I am Ann. I am 22 years old and I have MCTD. I was diagnosed with MCTD at 16 years old. It has been quite an experience living with this illness. There are so many things you go through and so many different combinations, but I can only talk about mine and my experiences. My life changed, it is a change. I don't go out like I want, I am always tired or something always hurts. I've gotten depressed. I didn't want anyone to know though. I didn't want people to know that I couldn't handle these things that were happening with me. I've cried so much, I still cry so very much. I wish people understood, people say they do but they don't. They don't understand the hurt, the pain and the worthlessness I feel. I can't do anything without either getting too tired or something acting up and hurting. Friends? I have them but there is distance because I can't do everything they do. I'm sick a lot so it just got to the point where they don't really even ask anymore. Family? They want to understand, some do anyway. It's just I feel always that underlining of oh 'You're just doing this because of this' or 'You're just being lazy'. Which isn't the case. When it comes to work and school, I just don't think they want to understand. There are things I want to do. I WANT to go to school. I WANT to go to work. It is just hard when you are sick so much. It is hard also on you when you can't really do anything and you just feel completely worthless to everybody and everything. You try though and you try the best you can. You can give up because once you do that, it is completely over then. So you push and you struggle and you try to prove that you can do things and that you are worth SOMETHING. Even though you cry every night, that is not what you want the world to see, you don't want to be seen as weak. You have to be strong. So you laugh and you smile, even though in pain the whole while. I am no trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, but this is me. I want everyone to know that even though this is not what I want for myself it has made me a stronger person. I don't know it all, I am still learning about this disease every day but I try to tough it out with a smile. It can only have power over me if I let it, and I refuse to let it and literally fight myself everyday. I am a spoonie and I am strong.